I keep asking what words do I need to share right now, what would I want to hear. The words feel jumbled inside of my head. Too many things to get out and not enough time or coherence to pour them onto the page. Being honest and sharing my truth is something that I have been working on. Not only for those who need to hear the message and resonate with it, but for myself as well. The sea of words and stories in my head remind me that right now, in this world many people are feeling this way. So out of sorts they don’t know what is up and what is down. Everything feels out of place and emotions swing all over the place. The fact that my brain seems tongue-tied itself it a testament to that.
So, this will be my word-nado of all of it. I promised to share my story and this is me doing that.
I have been second guessing all the things. I often feel lost and emotional. Like there is a battle waging within of who I am, who I want to be and who I am becoming. My past-self voices all of my insecurities and my present-self is exhausted from feeling the emotions of the world; while my future-self is off in la-la land living it up in a beach house. I am caught between the worlds. There are moments when I drop into the present and experience such beauty and gratitude that it brings me to tears, and other moments where I zone out watching Amazon Prime shows with a plate of nachos.
This is that state that we are in right now. The world itself is shifting and changing and for me, remembering to allow all that is, to just be, is so so important. There are those out there that are pushing you to be creative, to lose weight, to be productive, to all the things… but hear this: You do you.
Ignore the voices from everyone else. They are not living your life. They do not know what YOU need. Only YOU do. If you need to eat some nachos for days on end and watch episodes of great or not so great shows, do it. We are going through a collective trauma, there is no one size fits all solution. Right now, we are focused on survival and safety. If you are familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs that’s is at the bottom (look it up). Self love and connection are above that. (we’re not all there yet), so here’s my take: if you want to work on you, do it, if you want to dive into your own growth/changes in whatever way /shape or form that is, do it, and if you, like me bounce back and forth being productive and not- guess what?? That is okay too!
It’s like my brain right now, that wants to tell you stories of not fitting in, of dealing with the darkness, and giving you all the tools… sharing my dark shadows to help you move through your own. But you know what, right now these are the words I need to share. There are days when I talk to no one, when I hide in my apartment with the fur-kids and avoid messages of all kinds. We need that space to breathe, to be. I am also an ambivert (balance of introvert and extrovert)- meaning there are also days that I want to be around and connect with all the people at once (virtually right now). There are days when poetry flows out of my fingers and days when words seem to be the hardest things EVER. When we tap into that small voice inside us; instead of listening to the messages of the world and everyone but ourselves, that is when we find our own truth, our own needs. Don’t even listen to me. Listen to YOU and trust.
I am reminded of the joy I feel in the wind. Of allowing it to blow around me and through me. Feeling it on my skin, whipping my hair around. I am at once connected with mother earth and the sky. I am free. We are in our own windstorm right now, lean into it, find the joy in it, let it blow what you no longer need out of your life and soar.
Sending you all love right now- jumbled brain and all.